Saturday, May 19, 2012

Grave Garments - the sustainable solution

Earlier in the year I attended a neoclassical goth forum at the casino titled 'Sustainability and spiderwebs: the future directions of dark wave and death rock'. Discourses around sustainability routinely focus on the environment iow how many trees Toyota can replant to supplement the pulp consumed by middle managers printing The Lonely Planet's Guide to the Maldives in full? But broadly blogging, sustainability is a plan for the future. As I listened to a range of batcavers speak, it got me thinking that sustainability in the context of gothic fashions must mean stark styles that transcend death. Goths are inevitably mortal but must their attire be subject to the same transitory condition?

I've since spent the past summer burying pigs in the garden. Although I am a meat minimiser and strongly value the contribution and intelligence of farm boars, I have dressed and disposed 18 pigs. I'm testing the durability of highly morbid, eroticised gothic fashions to identify the most viable and vampy fabric to allow goths to rest in peace, free of rotting styles. It's genuine coffin care! I'll be digging up these morbid bodies periodically to understand the strengths and weaknesses of the various noir nylon blends and will provide a detailed report of the results on a goth forum. Who would have imagined that visiting the riverside money morgue would lead to such business prospects and a $100 downpayment to reserve the domain name It's another reminder that good things come to those who blog modern rubbish bi-annually. 

Please note, pentacles and crux ansatas are excluded from the scope of my research - in a bizarre college ritual, dozens of teenagers once dug up the remains of a campus goth to find the badly decomposed corpse still dressed in its neopagan metal neck chain. Alas I'm confident these starry symbols- already synonymous with strength and eternal protection-  are keeping goths appropriately accessorised, from cradle to grave. 

In closing I leave you with a very relevant and effective message delivered by our leader Robot Chicken on an annual leave day. Check it out here:

Friday, January 27, 2012

The issue with fashion

Hey what's up? I've had 142 hits in three years. I'm sure you've got less important things to read but hey sup read on cause this is the fashion issue !!!! Here's a letter I wrote to my favourite couture emporium Forrester Creations.
Hi guys!
First off thanks heaps for the mod designs they r so glam and quite different to what I’ve seen in the mall. I want to get heaps of stuff but just wondering if the black goth tractor platforms can be made in synthetic fabric because I don’t wear leather and all your produce seems to be authentic/organic bovine covers. Your stuff is really sik and omg I'd take my grandma to the Sizzler buffet if I had that fringed mickey mouse suit !!!! 
What's your opinion on Rove’s transfer to L.A and what accessory trends do you forecast for Libya this season??
Sincerely flawed, m goth
No problem if u can’t personalise the highrise boots for me but I can’t find shoes anywhere and once gothgurl09's cousin lost his shoes at Falls and wore tissue boxes for three days but it doesn’t work in wet weather or if u want to get into a club for free.

Further reading:
What designers does Victoria Beckham wear?
This is general purpose fashion knowledge. Good starting point if you're a dead beat or the mayor of Colac and hencetherefore too flat out to catch up on trends/hot looks.
Dogs beat the chill in haute couture
Gives more of a wordly perspective and more domestic homely orientated at the same time, really toffy / couture
Eye on fashion - fan of the month
Auzzie Marcus Richa proudly takes this month's prize for biggest Bold & Beautiful fan. Check out his fun letter and prepare for envy at his star pics with Donna Logan-Forrester, she's exquisite.

Saturday, March 19, 2011

Transcript from my hen's night

After skulling 9 viles of dragon blood and enjoying south Spanish vegan tapas with gothgurl09 and pendulum_princess we flew straight to the Elephant and Wheelbarrow for more post mod cocktails. It's not that goth but I have to write something. I heard if you trek through the cemetery between dusk and dawn and successfully rack a tombstone or dig up a limb and display it in your room, you're considered gang goth pending of course you have a gang tat for example rat corpse/devilish star symbol/something gnarly dark inked to your flesh. 

Got nothing else just one more saucy beast. My personal assistant indulged himself with some glamour shots. If I looked like him, OMG I would do so much more !

Pm me if you need more Ritual Mugwort, I've ordered 7 more baggies. Should be here by Queen's birthday weekend. C.O.D

Monday, March 7, 2011

Must be the meth

I've been bird watching mahogany tucans in the deep palo alto caves of Ghana and have just left for an extended tea break to broadcast my achievements from the past two years. I'm into twilight forums, blogs like ones with pictures of chicks and pictures of tie die and crystals and shit. Blogs about goths are fucked up like fucked up cause goths are fucked.My favourite tv show? Probably america's toughest prisons cause my cousin's in Barwon for mass murder, but got punched in the guts by a gang of Mexican bra boys on the inside and now has thirteen ACDC tatts stamped on his face. It makes me think I should send him some home and away tape and get the dacca boxset. What I'm wearing: glam rock ski suit, stole from dad; felt top hat, thrift store; customised versace goth lace ups, handmade. I converted my home office into a gothic haven with black laquer walls and spider webs, Manson posters etc. Current personal mentors are more like the tsubi boys cause they know to get fucked up wild and would have an insane, full gnarly v.i.p pass collection hanging above their beds. I would definitely trade a palm read for star wars tazos. Pm me if you have posh gold man and flash computer friend bff commemorative disc. 

Below is my cuz and prison thugs. He's so mortified he has a direct blood line to a goth.

Friday, August 7, 2009

Crimes against goths - Applying accountability forty years on

In between cancelling my That's Life! subscription and playing intermediate levels of minesweeper on my mega drive, Nicolas Sarkozy phoned the landline to inform me I've been selected to represent the Republic of Senegal in this year's French Goths for Human Rights Convention. As chair Quasimodo will welcome millions of goths to his penthouse apartment to discuss a myriad of issues relating to the atrocities carried out on goths and gothic culture in 1968. Although largely concealed by smaller issues― namely the revolt against Eastern totalitarianism and the rejection of Western consumer culture― these crimes against goths were the real motivation behind the 1968 French spring student revolution.

The aforementioned misconduct continues to dominate the agenda at this semi annual semi worthless convention. We will work towards the construction of a Goth Crimes Tribunal to ensure Carla Bruni is held accountable for the senseless discrimination and violence directed at these 'people' in black. Rarely generating even two per cent interest amongst the French 'people', this year's convention is seemingly more promising. The Polls (pre conceptual Irish metal electro band) have calculated such promise in terms of 10,000%%%% increase in awareness. 
As an accredited member of the press, I will remain in Paris on an extended stay as an embedded goth reporter for The Gothic Times New Roman Times. A serif title within Rupert Murdoch's stable of print press, this publication has a circulation of one (m goth) and a readership of zero (I dislike my writing more than you do). I'll be attached to a homeless gothic unit in the Latin Quarter where I shall observe the daily rituals and cultural practices of the French goth community.
Being a meta fiction writer― my narrative often self-consciously addresses the mechanisms of fiction ― I'll now broadcast some photos I took on my Konica during the above events.
2000-and-never Paris Protests

2000-and-never French Protest Poster


Paris Street Goth


Sunday, July 19, 2009

NASA versus M GOTH v.44.2

After being demoted to gravy stirrer for throwing a chicken wing at a goth, I was forced to consider both my career at KFC and the nature of aggression in the post modern state. This does not make for sick blog reading so I’m going to claim that my violent act of chicken discus led me to ponder the twentieth century space race. To commemorate the fortieth anniversary of the moon landing, I’ll be broadcasting from Jupiter, a special space blog for the next forty years.

Filmed on location in Nevada the diamond desert, the moon landing is classic Hitchcock adapted for a novel by Donna Hay in 1972. Written for VHS and scripted in the fifth person, it borrows music from my cousin’s ipod and shifts quickly across dynamic dimensions. What separates this impressive cinematography from other competitors is the bypassing and disregard for gravity, which ultimately constructs a less imposing tone. With cameos from the Olsen twins and commentary from Lewis Carroll, this film is must see.

Described by The Critics (modern indie band) as ‘cosmic, telescopic, astronomic and above all, hipster’, the moon landing v1.0 is part convincing, part American propaganda trash, part goth. Starring Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Rove, the moon landing involves a stellar cast, physically enhanced by out of this werld costumes provided by American Apparel (think metallic moon aprons and sweatshop free, integrity free designs). As envisioned by its politically glorified director John Fitzgerald Kennedy, the plot sees each astronaut returned safely to Earth. A pack of Ruskies attempted to imitate (think A Bug’s Life versus Antz) but the Soviet Unionists launched two light years too late. Perhaps Khrushchev should have focused efforts on thawing his post-Stalin Russia and maybe Brezhnev should have devised a five point five year plan to deal with the economic woes cultivating in his own backyard**

Discerning readers may think I’m subverting NASA’s space achievements. In this post, I have consistently hinted that the moon landing was staged, engineered, unreal. Admittedly, these claims are based on a hurtful transcript I received from NASA this morning based on my persistent pledge to donate myself to the international space station as a landmark study into the affects of space travel on gothic bodies.

Cinema or history, moon landing is something good, nice and great.

**Whilst blogging is considered by many Internet enthusiasts as democratic and a platform for the people, my own research indicates that this is a particularly utopian view. Whilst I concede that the Internet has the potential to democratise journalism (and increase the number of teenagers with access to Asian porn), censorship of blogging is a serious threat. If KFC discovered that I’m undermining past Soviet presidents (huge chicken market in Russia) through a blog which they sponsor (Win two goths and a limited supply of Pepsi when you purchase the Mother’s Day Feast. Valid now until never) the chances that me and my llama and my blog would be kicked back to Kentucky are higher than Mickey Avalon so durrrr I’ve gotta watch my mouth or I’ll be moving to Canberra to start my own porn business. Media is a bully of an institution: the Internet has failed to diminish the ‘us versus them’ dogma associated with journalism. Regretfully, this leads me to self censor. I stopped my rag on the Ruskies because, as avid bloggers, the Russian mafia may hunt me down and sell me to the current administration for four Rubles and a goldfingers drink card.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Goths Move Towards Goths Like Schoolboys From Their Books

Halfway through filming act two, scene twelve of Heart Break High, I realised Drazic and I were late for our goth convention. That blogged, we descended from our broomsticks just in time for the lengthy, animated version of Repunzel’s Dream: In My Own Castle starring Repunzel (as herself) and Jimmy Lanyon (as himself). Best described as romeo and juliet for goths (sans the tragedy and Elizabethan superstitions), Repunzel’s Dream maps the magic between two starry crossed lovers**. Set in Mount Thomas, it is an arresting novella of love, iphones and mountain people.

The female protagonist’s love for Sir Lanyon reaches climax in act forty-six, scene four—the balcony scene—where she ponders ‘What satisfaction canst thou have tonight for thou is certainly in the dog house on this night’ to which JL quips: ‘The exchange of thy love's faithful vow for mine etcetera etcetera blah ...thine mine thou wow wilt whatever weald. I shalt not renege nor repunge my repunzel’ Such candid moments work to evoke a myriad of emotion toward the lovers' love (for this goth, 88 parts admiration, 12 parts envy). FARRK THIS BLOG IS SHITTER THAN I AM.

Following curtain drop, cast and crew bounced into town to deliver gothgurl 09 to her graveyard shift at KFC. Other goths and other bloggers were sighted and quarantined. All goths paid the remaining Moran fifty sea shells to paddle a pink stretch hummer across the river whilst chanting the final verse of a buried Brian Wilson B side. BON JOVEEEEEEIAL

**Don’t report me to Stratford upon Avon for plagiarism, that surrr been dead for longer than
this blog